Wednesday, February 24
One Foot in, One Foot Out
American Idol is giving me a headache. Why am I watching it you may ask? Well I'm giving myself security in the fact that I can actually sing better than some of these wack jobs. I'm not a hater.. but give me my minute of fame and I'll "bedazzle your goodies"...
So moving on. First I'd like to say that I will be dedicating this whole post to discuss "the boy," in my life..(sigh) Something I've been avoiding to write about for weeks, and now just getting the courage to conjure up some letters that will turn into words eventually to form sentences and make up this post...
Being vulnerable and unselfish is hard for me.. Yet, on the contrary, sometimes I'm overly accommodating to others. Bending my inner feelings to make the people around me more comfortable. Call me the Cowardly Lion. Mostly because confrontation and I ended our relationship years ago, and I now apt for less awkward moments. Oh yeah back to the boy, who we shall name _ "Parker."
So the boy, "Parker," lives in a different country. Yes this is quite predictable if you know me. I love worldly things, so whats better than having a "like" interest (I say like instead of love, because that "L" word scares me) from another world.
We met on a cruise ship and have been wooing each other ever sense. Visiting once in NYC and again in three weeks. He's too good to me, which is weird to say because he doesn't even live here. I'm not crazy, this whole situation is just bizarre. But what isn't in my life?
He just texted me, currently in France. cute. okay back to my rambling..
If we turn this long distance "like" affair into a (gulp) "relationship," then I would have done something epic. Put aside vulnerability and the scary idea of "forever," and actually subdue myself to a different life experience. Being single 21 years of my life (sure there were flings here and there) and then doing a 180 flip, only time will tell. But I can tell you this my friends, I've never been with a guy who has such a love for life and a f r e e spirit. Parker is great. Sometimes I feel that maybe he needs to run from me and find a girl who will complete him, because I don't know if I'm capable of that. I'm a mess, a complete mess, an artistic mess! I'm up, I'm down, left or right, here and sometimes there. How can I be soo selfish, bringing someone into that kind of unstable affair?
I have one foot in and one foot out. One is dedicated to working this out, while the other is waiting for the right signal so it can flee! I look down upon the love sick girl who immediately "loves" a boy after three weeks. All of a sudden they are calling each other baby and playing "house." That makes me hate relationships soo much. I mean sure eventually you get that "free pass" into the baby lovey wovey talk, but time needs to elapse. Otherwise your jumping into a pool of disaster. And after 2 months with the person that "fake love" being emitted to each other fails, leaving two broken hearts and a lot of wine&chocolate. So.. What i'm trying to say is.. The distance between us has made the past two months a slow and gradual transition, thus why I have not already run away scared. We have lots of s p a c e and as bad as that sounds, its actually not. I like him, I really do, I just can't predict my further actions. I'm letting time and life aimlessly drift me out to sea. Preferably on a sail boat with a colorful mast. No Captain, no pirates, just me.